Mine Was A Penguin

Since my last sermon, a lot of people have commented with regret or admiration for what I've been through or that I've gotten through it. I never really know how to respond to that because... I don't see it that way. Yeah. I've come up against some difficult things. I've had to deal with some extremely difficult people. But it's not something I carry around with me. Jinks said once: You just have to say these things, and once it's out of your head, you're done with it. It's gone.

I don't give up on things, that's true. Just about everyone who knows me has had to persuade me to not clamber over, on, or around a No Entry sign at least once (both metaphorically and literally...). But I don't see that as necessarily something to be admired or praised. It's gotten me into trouble a few times. It can be quite alienating at others. But mostly it's just the only way I know how to be. It's not like I made a conscious decision one day that I was going to leap mountains to achieve my ambitions or some other lofty ideal that actually is worthy of admiration. No.

Think more along the lines of that bee that keeps running into the kitchen window because it can't figure out there's a pane of glass between it and the outside world. Yeah. That's me. And every so often I bash around long enough that I find some other opening, or someone gets sick of hearing me and shoves me themselves.

Either way, the admiration makes me uncomfortable. As does the sympathy. They're both impractical reactions. There's no reason for you to apologise for something that some person you've never and more than likely never will ever encounter did too many years ago to count. And my life isn't so bad that I deserve to be admired for getting myself out of bed each day and just getting on with it. So let's talk about more worthwhile things.

Like this quote from <a href="http://azizriandaoxrak.deviantart.com">Jes</a>, who always has awesome quotes:

I gotta say. One of the worst and scariest things about the world for me is that anyone, absolutely ANYONE can be a "bully" to me. It's knowing that people will take the opportunity to "bully" me because my body lets them know that I am available to be "bullied" by them.

And not knowing whether the violence is going to come from people I already know or complete strangers just makes it worse, and there are days when I am terrified of PEOPLE because I don't know which people are dangerous. And there are plenty of times when I think I HAVE to be weird for thinking like this.

I am a feminist because I believe that NO ONE has a right to "bully" others because they were born with the right color skin, the right set of genitals, the right income bracket, the right version of love. And I HATEHATEHATEHATE that bullying is divorced from the systemic factors that feed into it. And I HATE that there's so much heart-warming-church-charity-two-week-program-that-will-drop-it-and-never-pick-it-up-again BULLSHIT.

But knowing that there are other people out there who GET IT, who I CAN reach and I CAN talk to - that helps, and it's something that I didn't have in high school, and it makes it, for me, about 500000000X better. And since I can't change THE ENTIRE SET OF SYSTEMS OF DISCRIMINATION right this very minute, I like to be able to turn to people who are trying to work through "bullying" in its many forms and let them know: it is possible to take what has happened to you and use it to make you stronger, and there are and will be people out there who can help you, so just HOLD ON.