1.
I think I'm developing an addiction to spearmint.
Cheaper than cigarettes, at least.
2.
I had to banish my computer to an entirely different room to actually get any work done.
So sad.
3.
I have the whole story in my head, but I keep putting off writing anything down because I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions. I don't feel like I know enough to pull it off. I wish I could write like I did in my early twenties. I wish I could a lot of things like I could then. I think I was a better person than I am now. I think I've made all the wrong choices.
4.
I don't think the meds are working anymore, but no one's keeping track, so...
5.
Week 2 of this not smoking thing. Ish. Not smoking-ish. I've realized something interesting about myself. If I get a craving for a cigarette, the stubbornness kicks in and it's no big deal. I'm easily distracted.
If Brain decides I should have a cigarette (it does, whether I actually want one or not) because... Well, who knows what little formulas it uses to decide what has to happen and when. But if that happens, I can't shake it. It's the completion loop thing. I just go around with it nagging at me; you haven't done this yet.
I spent all day yesterday trying to go against it only to give in just so I could go to sleep. So when Brain started up today, my first reaction is to give it whatever it wants so I can get on with things.
It makes me wonder how many other things I just do because Brain has conditioned me to appease it.
Also: I severely underestimated how hard coercing an obsessive mind to give up something would be.
I know, right? How dumb was that?
I live with this thing all the time, and still think it's just going to let go of something because I want it to? I mean. If I could accomplish that... Well, that's kind of the central problem, isn't it?
6.
And yeah. I'm going to give it what it wants because I can't be bothered trying to keep it occupied all day.
7.
I can't even describe the amount of joy I get from being wrapped up in a duvet with all my pillows. If I could just stay there forever I'd be happy all the time. It's like being in a marshmallow. Except not sticky.
8.
I have a genuine fear that I'll get stuck in England after an apocalyptic event. I also worry about getting to my parents. And Bast. Pets usually don't survive apocalypses. Especially stubborn, toothless, brain-damaged elderly cats who don't realise their measly 7 lb selves can't take down any foe.
9.
Back to square one. No reason. Just here. Fed up with how many times I get lost in the NHS (like it's practically standard protocol) and not having the energy to badger them into caring for me. I really don't think Therapy Lady put my referral in (she is a liar, after all, and a little incompetent). I'm probably never going to get my stupid tooth taken care of. I need to follow up about the plastics referral, meds, toe... I need to write my fucking novel. Clean my room. Post last week's blog. Probably other things I'm forgetting about.
I just want to sleep.
I want to hit the reset button.
I want to not exist (not die, there's a difference). I'm just so fucking tired. Physically, mentally.
I feel bad about talking to my friends because how honesty do they want me to be? I'm not okay, but no, I don't want to talk about it with you because 1. there's nothing to fix and 2. I can tell you what you're going to say 3. I know you mean well but your attempts to cheer me up are a little pathetic. Sorry.
I don't even need cheered up. I'm not sad. Just so very unbelievably tired of doing.
10.
I suck at follow-through. I start things, get all excited about them. Run around getting everything I need for it. I get almost obsessive about it. And for a little while, I stick to it. Then it's like a switch goes. I suddenly just don't have any interest in it anymore. Sometimes even overnight. Yesterday I'm all excited about X and today it's just... meh. I can't even force myself to do it. There are about 4 things I can think just off the top of my head I started this week and lost interest in by the end.
I don't have anything that I've consistently been passionate about. There's the frequent commonality of all my passions being creative in some way, or involve making something. I really like making things.
Sometimes I feel like an Etch-A-Sketch that's been shaken. There's nothing there but the faint lines of what's been erased and the potential of new lines to be drawn.
11.
Caleb needs to go to Atlanta. Towards Atlanta, anyway; whether he'll actually get there is still up for debate.
Ben and Carys go with him because they need more airtime and you need to care when Ben dies (spoiler. not really. he has the look of someone created to have a significant death) and Carys needs to teach Caleb about being... whatever they are that doesn't have a name yet (seriously, suggestions for what to name a telesthetic race needed) -- they have to run out of time because the encounter with Roland freaks him out - maybe he knows they can't be killed? Anyway, later. That's way in the future.
Atlanta. Carys drives because she's magic and mysterious so we don't ask many questions, like how she has money or a car.
#1: Their mission is successful. I don't want them to find Derek, though. I don't know where he is yet, but he'll complicate things if he comes in now. For some reason, they also don't/can't go home. Which leaves Justin and Ren at loose ends. Unfortunate for Justin, but Ren is a main guy. Or. Maybe he's better in cameos... So. Option 1 they make it to Derek's dorm. He's not there and something (what?) stops them from going home.
+ what problems would 3 people who can control other people run into? They need a flaw. Besides that two of them don't really know what they're doing.
#2: They don't even make it to Atlanta. Someone wrecks their car or it breaks or they just can't get through with a vehicle. So they're wandering and... Who knows.
They can either join the army willingly or they get coerced. Baz dies around this time. Ben would be motivated to fight, or at least follow a sense of duty and responsibility. Caleb will do whatever Ben wants.
Carys leaves them at this point. Maybe after not finding Derek and not being about to get back to SAV (something with the military?), she convinces the twins to go back to her home (need another name, or find where I wrote down the name) but Baz dies, Ben decides to join the army and Carys goes her own way.
I really like the hurricane scene but I don't think there's a home for it anymore. Oh well.
So then it's whether Carys comes back when Ben dies, or after Caleb kills Roland. I can't see her being okay with a killing spree so that leaves after Roland. (Having her in earlier would mess with whatever I'm doing with Joshua which I haven't decided yet.)
Alternatively, the three of them try to survive on their own, and Ben gets killed while they're doing something. Caleb runs off and Carys has to find him, which leaves a gap for Joshua to make an appearance.
For any of these to work, things have to go from not-so-great to really shitty very quickly. Like overnight. Which is much harder to do in fictional reality than real reality.
I don't know. This boy needs to hurry up and tell his story. I'm tired of moving around puzzle pieces.
12.
I've been carrying around three pens for days because I keep not throwing it away when I find the one that doesn't work, so I foret which one it is so instead of finding out, I take 2 backup. It's safer having three pens anyway. You never know what might happen. Those could be the last three pens you have in an apocalypse. And one of them doesn't even work. Good planning.
13.
If I have the car just break down (flat tire, overheating, etc.), is that too deus ex machina?
14.
I moved my bed 2' closer to the window and before I always felt I had total privacy. I know for a fact how much can be seen of my room from various angles (yes, I did that) but since I moved the furniture I've felt really, really exposed, even in the far part of the room (which definitely cannot be seen from outside unless someone is standing on the train tracks with binoculars (there might be). It still feels like someone's watching. I'm hoping I just get used to it because I really like this arrangement.
(This is me not working.)
I think I'm developing an addiction to spearmint.
Cheaper than cigarettes, at least.
2.
I had to banish my computer to an entirely different room to actually get any work done.
So sad.
3.
I have the whole story in my head, but I keep putting off writing anything down because I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions. I don't feel like I know enough to pull it off. I wish I could write like I did in my early twenties. I wish I could a lot of things like I could then. I think I was a better person than I am now. I think I've made all the wrong choices.
4.
I don't think the meds are working anymore, but no one's keeping track, so...
5.
Week 2 of this not smoking thing. Ish. Not smoking-ish. I've realized something interesting about myself. If I get a craving for a cigarette, the stubbornness kicks in and it's no big deal. I'm easily distracted.
If Brain decides I should have a cigarette (it does, whether I actually want one or not) because... Well, who knows what little formulas it uses to decide what has to happen and when. But if that happens, I can't shake it. It's the completion loop thing. I just go around with it nagging at me; you haven't done this yet.
I spent all day yesterday trying to go against it only to give in just so I could go to sleep. So when Brain started up today, my first reaction is to give it whatever it wants so I can get on with things.
It makes me wonder how many other things I just do because Brain has conditioned me to appease it.
Also: I severely underestimated how hard coercing an obsessive mind to give up something would be.
I know, right? How dumb was that?
I live with this thing all the time, and still think it's just going to let go of something because I want it to? I mean. If I could accomplish that... Well, that's kind of the central problem, isn't it?
6.
And yeah. I'm going to give it what it wants because I can't be bothered trying to keep it occupied all day.
7.
I can't even describe the amount of joy I get from being wrapped up in a duvet with all my pillows. If I could just stay there forever I'd be happy all the time. It's like being in a marshmallow. Except not sticky.
8.
I have a genuine fear that I'll get stuck in England after an apocalyptic event. I also worry about getting to my parents. And Bast. Pets usually don't survive apocalypses. Especially stubborn, toothless, brain-damaged elderly cats who don't realise their measly 7 lb selves can't take down any foe.
9.
Back to square one. No reason. Just here. Fed up with how many times I get lost in the NHS (like it's practically standard protocol) and not having the energy to badger them into caring for me. I really don't think Therapy Lady put my referral in (she is a liar, after all, and a little incompetent). I'm probably never going to get my stupid tooth taken care of. I need to follow up about the plastics referral, meds, toe... I need to write my fucking novel. Clean my room. Post last week's blog. Probably other things I'm forgetting about.
I just want to sleep.
I want to hit the reset button.
I want to not exist (not die, there's a difference). I'm just so fucking tired. Physically, mentally.
I feel bad about talking to my friends because how honesty do they want me to be? I'm not okay, but no, I don't want to talk about it with you because 1. there's nothing to fix and 2. I can tell you what you're going to say 3. I know you mean well but your attempts to cheer me up are a little pathetic. Sorry.
I don't even need cheered up. I'm not sad. Just so very unbelievably tired of doing.
10.
I suck at follow-through. I start things, get all excited about them. Run around getting everything I need for it. I get almost obsessive about it. And for a little while, I stick to it. Then it's like a switch goes. I suddenly just don't have any interest in it anymore. Sometimes even overnight. Yesterday I'm all excited about X and today it's just... meh. I can't even force myself to do it. There are about 4 things I can think just off the top of my head I started this week and lost interest in by the end.
I don't have anything that I've consistently been passionate about. There's the frequent commonality of all my passions being creative in some way, or involve making something. I really like making things.
Sometimes I feel like an Etch-A-Sketch that's been shaken. There's nothing there but the faint lines of what's been erased and the potential of new lines to be drawn.
11.
Caleb needs to go to Atlanta. Towards Atlanta, anyway; whether he'll actually get there is still up for debate.
Ben and Carys go with him because they need more airtime and you need to care when Ben dies (spoiler. not really. he has the look of someone created to have a significant death) and Carys needs to teach Caleb about being... whatever they are that doesn't have a name yet (seriously, suggestions for what to name a telesthetic race needed) -- they have to run out of time because the encounter with Roland freaks him out - maybe he knows they can't be killed? Anyway, later. That's way in the future.
Atlanta. Carys drives because she's magic and mysterious so we don't ask many questions, like how she has money or a car.
#1: Their mission is successful. I don't want them to find Derek, though. I don't know where he is yet, but he'll complicate things if he comes in now. For some reason, they also don't/can't go home. Which leaves Justin and Ren at loose ends. Unfortunate for Justin, but Ren is a main guy. Or. Maybe he's better in cameos... So. Option 1 they make it to Derek's dorm. He's not there and something (what?) stops them from going home.
+ what problems would 3 people who can control other people run into? They need a flaw. Besides that two of them don't really know what they're doing.
#2: They don't even make it to Atlanta. Someone wrecks their car or it breaks or they just can't get through with a vehicle. So they're wandering and... Who knows.
They can either join the army willingly or they get coerced. Baz dies around this time. Ben would be motivated to fight, or at least follow a sense of duty and responsibility. Caleb will do whatever Ben wants.
Carys leaves them at this point. Maybe after not finding Derek and not being about to get back to SAV (something with the military?), she convinces the twins to go back to her home (need another name, or find where I wrote down the name) but Baz dies, Ben decides to join the army and Carys goes her own way.
I really like the hurricane scene but I don't think there's a home for it anymore. Oh well.
So then it's whether Carys comes back when Ben dies, or after Caleb kills Roland. I can't see her being okay with a killing spree so that leaves after Roland. (Having her in earlier would mess with whatever I'm doing with Joshua which I haven't decided yet.)
Alternatively, the three of them try to survive on their own, and Ben gets killed while they're doing something. Caleb runs off and Carys has to find him, which leaves a gap for Joshua to make an appearance.
For any of these to work, things have to go from not-so-great to really shitty very quickly. Like overnight. Which is much harder to do in fictional reality than real reality.
I don't know. This boy needs to hurry up and tell his story. I'm tired of moving around puzzle pieces.
12.
I've been carrying around three pens for days because I keep not throwing it away when I find the one that doesn't work, so I foret which one it is so instead of finding out, I take 2 backup. It's safer having three pens anyway. You never know what might happen. Those could be the last three pens you have in an apocalypse. And one of them doesn't even work. Good planning.
13.
If I have the car just break down (flat tire, overheating, etc.), is that too deus ex machina?
14.
I moved my bed 2' closer to the window and before I always felt I had total privacy. I know for a fact how much can be seen of my room from various angles (yes, I did that) but since I moved the furniture I've felt really, really exposed, even in the far part of the room (which definitely cannot be seen from outside unless someone is standing on the train tracks with binoculars (there might be). It still feels like someone's watching. I'm hoping I just get used to it because I really like this arrangement.
(This is me not working.)
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