Sleep and I are not friends. I have to play a variety of tricks with my brain to actually get to that point where sleep is achievable. One of them is prowling through the Facebook and Twitter feeds late at night reading all the various articles and memes people have posted through the day. To the point, someone posted this link a few days ago, and it was one of those synchronistic moments where something I read matched up entirely with the haphazard jumble running through my head, specifically the first paragraph.
But it goes deeper than that. It's more than someone getting offended because some little flaw or idiosyncrasy was pointed out. (And, of course, no one likes that; we all get a bit ruffled when someone draws attention to our negative qualities, or something we've done wrong, but it happens.) What ends up happening is the honest statement goes under attack. You shouldn't have said that. You're just stirring up drama. You're somehow lesser for wanting to bring things to light and address whatever issue you're having. Why on earth would you want to talk things out when you could just keep them buried and hidden forever? It's so much easier to just pretend the problem isn't there.
The last one being a very frequent claim, though in my experience avoiding any sort of confrontation tends to drag it out much longer and make it generally much more unpleasant than just being up front and dealing with it. At least then it's over. Then again, I have a hard time ignoring things. It goes back to that haphazard jumble that is my thought processes (which is actually not haphazard at all, but frequently seems that way from an external perspective) and those obsessive actions and not understanding perfectly common social cues. So I try, because I've learned that people react badly to honesty. I've learned that, in general, people are happier if I go along with whatever superficial civility is in place. But eventually it breaks down and not grasping the moves of this weird little social dance wins out, and I say: I don't understand why you do this. It doesn't make any sense. Stop doing it.
And then all hell breaks loose.
Personal experiences aside, I spend a lot of time watching people. And listening to them. And the thing I hear most is, but of course I can't tell X that so I just have to deal with it.
I don't understand why you do that. It doesn't make any sense. Stop doing it.
You should be able to tell someone what you really think, and how you really feel, without the fear of being ostracised over your honesty, especially someone you're close to. A friend. A partner. A family member (well, in theory...). You should be able to hold differing views, exchange opinions, discuss what's going on and reach some sort of common ground. If the relationship is truly important - whatever it is - it should work like that. But it doesn't.
I find this preference for secrecy unsettling. Granted, I have a very biased opinion towards secrets considering my history. Keeping things hidden and closed off doesn't help anyone. It stunts the relationship, it leads to misunderstandings, it leaves people hurt and confused and feeling invalid and uncertain of their position. Secrets are damaging. Most of the time it's little damages that you don't see right off - a crack here, a little too much strain there, but it adds up. All those little things you don't say because you're afraid of a minor conflict in the present only lead to much bigger and more disastrous conflicts in the future. Yet we have created an atmosphere where not saying is more commendable, more acceptable and preferable to saying.
I don't understand. It doesn't make sense. Stop.
Be brave. Be respectful. Be honest.
Have you ever been emotion-shamed before? You know what I’m talking about, has someone ever made you feel bad for being honest, for putting yourself out there and articulating your feelings to them? It’s a rare thing to do these days, to really let yourself be raw and vulnerable. We live in an age of posturing. People hide behind their phones, they carefully curate their communication with other people, which makes honest moments few and far between.We exist in a culture where honesty has become taboo. On some level, I've known this for quite awhile. Social interactions are something I struggle with quite a bit (shocking, I know). It's difficult managing that haphazard jumble with a world that doesn't understand it, navigating irrational anxiety and all out panic while being told you just need to relax, trying to hide all the little twitches and quirks and obsessive actions you have to do so the sky doesn't cave in while people actively try to thwart you because your distress is 1. a form of entertainment and 2. not a real thing to them, and still somehow trying to keep up with all the myriad cues and nuances that, let's be honest, you don't understand one bit. But more than that the thing that trips me up most in social scenarios is honesty. I would say a good portion of my conflicts with other people come down to me giving an honest opinion that the other person didn't want to hear.
But it goes deeper than that. It's more than someone getting offended because some little flaw or idiosyncrasy was pointed out. (And, of course, no one likes that; we all get a bit ruffled when someone draws attention to our negative qualities, or something we've done wrong, but it happens.) What ends up happening is the honest statement goes under attack. You shouldn't have said that. You're just stirring up drama. You're somehow lesser for wanting to bring things to light and address whatever issue you're having. Why on earth would you want to talk things out when you could just keep them buried and hidden forever? It's so much easier to just pretend the problem isn't there.
The last one being a very frequent claim, though in my experience avoiding any sort of confrontation tends to drag it out much longer and make it generally much more unpleasant than just being up front and dealing with it. At least then it's over. Then again, I have a hard time ignoring things. It goes back to that haphazard jumble that is my thought processes (which is actually not haphazard at all, but frequently seems that way from an external perspective) and those obsessive actions and not understanding perfectly common social cues. So I try, because I've learned that people react badly to honesty. I've learned that, in general, people are happier if I go along with whatever superficial civility is in place. But eventually it breaks down and not grasping the moves of this weird little social dance wins out, and I say: I don't understand why you do this. It doesn't make any sense. Stop doing it.
And then all hell breaks loose.
Personal experiences aside, I spend a lot of time watching people. And listening to them. And the thing I hear most is, but of course I can't tell X that so I just have to deal with it.
I don't understand why you do that. It doesn't make any sense. Stop doing it.
You should be able to tell someone what you really think, and how you really feel, without the fear of being ostracised over your honesty, especially someone you're close to. A friend. A partner. A family member (well, in theory...). You should be able to hold differing views, exchange opinions, discuss what's going on and reach some sort of common ground. If the relationship is truly important - whatever it is - it should work like that. But it doesn't.
I find this preference for secrecy unsettling. Granted, I have a very biased opinion towards secrets considering my history. Keeping things hidden and closed off doesn't help anyone. It stunts the relationship, it leads to misunderstandings, it leaves people hurt and confused and feeling invalid and uncertain of their position. Secrets are damaging. Most of the time it's little damages that you don't see right off - a crack here, a little too much strain there, but it adds up. All those little things you don't say because you're afraid of a minor conflict in the present only lead to much bigger and more disastrous conflicts in the future. Yet we have created an atmosphere where not saying is more commendable, more acceptable and preferable to saying.
I don't understand. It doesn't make sense. Stop.
Be brave. Be respectful. Be honest.
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