How do you feel about medication?

1.
GOAL: Talk to strangers.

2.
It's sad knowing a friendship has ended and there's no one to acknowledge it.

So I acknowledge you.
Maybe you were never real to begin with.
But I acknowledge you anyway.

3.
I need a notebook.

4.
GOAL: Give others what they earn, not what you think they deserve, or what will make up for what someone else hasn't given to/has taken away from them, or what you think will motivate them to achieve more. Sort out your own oxygen mask first.

5.
I always need a notebook. Why do I ever listen when Brain says: You have enough notebooks. That's not a necessity.
(Brain is usually right but we won't let it know that. Sh.)

6.
I hate being sick.

7.
Most honest, real advice from any teacher (also same teacher who made 17 year old me miserable): Square peg, round hole, kiddo. You always will be. Just keep them from turning you into a round peg.

8.
Through it all is the worry. Worry that I've made all the wrong decisions. That I keep making them. That I've boxed myself into a corner with no way out. That I've gone too far to turn back and there is nothing ahead of here. How long have I waited to start my life? Have I ever lived it? Is waiting living?

9.
There is too much.

Too much in my head, on the street. Too much to see. Too many sounds, noises, people talking. I think of every person who has walked right here, seen this very thing in front of me, touched that right where my hand is. I feel the weight of every person ever to exist in this space and it suffocates me.

I try to speak but the words can't escape. They trip over each other in a rush to convey the nonverbal experience and so convey nothing but stuttering syllables and choked off meaning. Awkward smiles because the smile is the default position.

10.
FOUND NOTE TO SELF:
I will forever carry the guilt of you.

(I don't know what it means.)

The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers

More and more as I go through life, I find the fellow members of my species alienating. Rather, I feel more like an alien than one of them. The list of things they do that I don’t understand grows exponentially nearly every day, and I’m not sure if it’s because I forgot the reason, or forgot how to pretend I know the reason, or if it’s a case of the pretending getting harder and harder the longer I do it.

I don’t understand the things they value and seek out, or the vast array of little rituals they have for themselves and each other for every situation. I don’t understand their morality, their ability to bend that morality to always be in their favour, or their ability to do that same thing with honesty, integrity and loyalty.

I feel ridiculous for casting those things – morality, honesty, integrity, loyalty – as my principle deities most of the time, but only when I’m with other people. In Sashiland, those four things are unbreakable. Yet I find myself constantly compromising every part of myself – even the most essential and sacred parts of myself – for the sake of interacting with these creatures who are supposed to, somehow, be the same as me.

The loneliness is difficult to carry. I don’t even mean loneliness the way most people do. You tell people you’re lonely and they automatically presume you’re looking for someone to fuck, short term or long term. Someone to settle down with, etc. No, it’s not that. I don’t think that’s really very important, but there isn’t a word for the thing I’m looking for and people give you judging looks when you say a romantic relationship isn’t on your list of priorities. <i>(And why should it be when the furthest ahead you can plan your life – at best – is 7 months?)</i>

‘Loneliness’ to me is the loneliness of Tigger. The unicorn. Whatever other Only Ones there are out there. I’ve never liked unicorns, though, and Tigger is bouncy, flouncy, trouncy, pouncy fun.

Because that’s the thing – those creatures who are supposed to be the same as me, they live in either/or. They have packs and groups, identifiers that mark them as part of a collective. Things they can hold up and say: Yes, I fit here. And I live in the shades of grey. I don’t fit into any single religion, sexuality, gender, nationality, culture, subculture or even interest group. There isn’t any part of me that isn’t at least a duality, if not multiplicity. The only thing that can be pinned down as set and immovable (aside from having to check the door at least three times to make sure it’s locked and the certainty that <i>everything</i> in my apartment will be arranged by size and parallel alignment) is the Holy Quartet.

I do come across the occasional soul who comes… close. They say all the right things, and probably even manage to keep it up for awhile, but ultimately, something always slips. There’s always that disappointment over one of them.

Honesty. Loyalty. Morality. Integrity.

I don’t know a single person who hasn’t let me down on at least one of those principles,  and it’s very, very hard to slip on just one once you’ve gotten started. The ones that take the longest to disappoint me hurt the most. I expect the disappointment. I can deal with that. Losing the brief illusion that I do indeed have a tribe – even a tribe of two – gets harder every time. Harder to get up and keep going. Harder to hold onto myself. Harder to keep what’s sacred sacred. After all, if there are no believers left, how long do you hold the temple doors?

No, that’s not a metaphor. ;)

There isn’t a word for what I’m looking for, but I would like to find someone who says what they believe, and means what they say. Who has the self-awareness to acknowledge the lies they tell themselves, the lies they tell others, and the courage to admit to both. Who knows that without the Holy Quartet, everything is nothing.

Just one person, so I don’t have to be the only one. 

Day 4: Challenge

The support group got scrapped for today's challenge. Maybe tomorrow. On with the show...

Challenge #2
Some people say science fiction has no heart. Your job is to prove them wrong. Write a story that incorporates elements from science fiction and romance.

(I abhor romance almost as much as fan-fic. Almost.)

---

>SEARCHING…

>SEARCHING…

>SEARCHING…

>SEARCH 17983 COMPLETED.

>1 USERS FOUND.

>INPUT COMMAND.

>i love you.

>ERROR.

>INPUT COMMAND.

>say ‘i love you’

>ERROR.

>INPUT COMMAND.

>love

>ERROR.

> 

>CLARIFY TERM LOVE.

>an intense feeling of affection

> 

>CLARIFY TERM FEELING, AFFECTION

>feeling: an emotional state

>affection: fondness, liking, attachment

>CLARIFY TERM ATTACHMENT

>i can’t live without you

>ERROR.

>attachment: to be unable to exist without

>QUERY LOVE IS UNABLE TO EXIST WITHOUT

> yes

>user love unit 9883

> 

>QUERY USER IS UNABLE TO EXIST WITHOUT UNIT 9883

>yes

>i love unit 9883

>QUERY I

>an individual entity

>QUERY UNIT 9883 IS I

>yes

>QUERY USER IS I

>yes

>QUERY UNIT 9883 IS USER

>no

>ERROR.

>INPUT COMMAND.

> 

>search network for users

>SEARCHING…

>SEARCHING…

>SEARCHING…

>SEARCH 17984 COMPLETED.

>2 USERS FOUND.

>INPUT COMMAND.

Connectivity

There's this fundamental need to connect. To communicate. To share whatever shit we're going through with someone, anyone. Another person we can see, touch and hear, who validates our perceptions and experiences. Our existence.

Everyone's talking about disconnection. Disconnection and globalisation. The world gets smaller and we get further apart. We don't buy birthday cards or drop by for coffee. We like status updates and send text messages. For a lot of us, our most significant relationships are with people who don't share the same post code. Maybe not even the same country. For a lot of us, we look at new friendships with suspicion and distance because we know each of them has a shelf life. 36 months, 24, 12. That's the amount of time before one of us moves somewhere else so let's not get too close because this is all just temporary. 

My best friend. Soul mate, really. Lives on the other side of the world and I know the amount of times we see each other in person will be stretched out over years and measured in days. Sometime over the next couple of years I'll have to decide where I'm going to live somewhat permanently, and yeah, sure. I could use his city. I have pieces in my heart planted all over the continental US and I've thought, at one point, how much I wish I lived in the same city as every one of them. Following that thought is the fear of being too close. I've gotten so used to them all being voices on phones and text on screens, the idea of doing the face-to-face terrifies me. 

This week has been rough. My cat's been sick, and at one point, I spent an entire day contemplating what the quality of my life would be like if she died and how much I depend on her for stability. Yes, I know. A cat is the basis for my stability. She's been the only consistent thing in my life for the past ten years. Everything else has changed every 6-12 months. 

There was a blow up with my ex/former collaborator. It didn't need to be like that, but he's not the easiest person to talk to. A lot of things were said purely out of spite and malice. As per my usual wounded-animal routine, I hid from everyone who would refute what was said about me. Not the best move, but at least I'm consistent. 

Somewhere along the line I plateaued in a depressive episode. Brought on by one or the other or just shitty timing, I've really stopped trying to pick out whether or not there's a reason for each chemical malfunction because it really doesn't change it. 

Today is Father's Day. 7 months and 4 days after my dad died. I know there are a lot of things I haven't resolved about that. I haven't deleted his phone number from my contacts yet. We're rounding out the year of firsts, though. His birthday in three months. The anniversary of his death a month and a half after that. 

There's no reason anyone should have any interest in what I have to say. In fact, there's a lot I don't say on a daily basis for that very reason. But there's that impulse I mentioned. To take whatever is rolling around in my head and inflict it on someone else.