1.
After three days of feeling like some very small but pernicious creature was gnawing through my skull and even the word "food" made me want to never eat again, I woke up on Day 4 with an unfamiliar sense of purpose and focus. I even managed to get some work done. It took me ten hours to write 600 words, but that's still better than no words, which has been my recent daily average.
2.
Day 5: The creature is back but I almost got pancakes for breakfast. I wasn't quite up to breaking that morning ritual but the thought was there. We'll work up to it. But I'm also thinking, I'm not me. It doesn't feel like me. Is it me? The real me, or just an artificial approximation? But if the "real" me can't function without outside intervention, is the approximation such a bad thing?
Is the thought itself just a side effect?
2.
Day 5: The creature is back but I almost got pancakes for breakfast. I wasn't quite up to breaking that morning ritual but the thought was there. We'll work up to it. But I'm also thinking, I'm not me. It doesn't feel like me. Is it me? The real me, or just an artificial approximation? But if the "real" me can't function without outside intervention, is the approximation such a bad thing?
Is the thought itself just a side effect?
3.
My heart is beating because if it weren't I'd be dead.
But what if it isn't?
4.
Accept my limitations and be honest about them. All my life I've wanted to just be like other kids, but I'm not, and no amount of wanting is going to change that. I can only do what I can do, and at least if other people know why... It's something anyway.
5.
Allowing myself permission to buy one notebook resulted in purchasing two.
I blame my mother.
She led me astray.
6.
I worry that one day I will (or have already) reach my quota of words. What then?
7.
There is something about superheroes and secret identities that I want to explore, but I can't pin down what it is yet.
8.
It's so hard for me to go out with people. If I have too long to think about it, I'll back out. If nothing is planned, I'll drift in my own world. It feels unfair to put the responsibility for dragging me out of my cave on other people.
9.
I'm not good at juggling. I can plunge into the deep end of one thing, and rock it. But I have to do just that one thing. Add two, three, I panic and freeze. Do nothing.
10.
I spent time with people and it actually felt good. For the first time in a really long time. As adverse as I am to this whole medication thing, it seems that, for right now anyway, it's what I need.
11.
I'm excited again.
5.Allowing myself permission to buy one notebook resulted in purchasing two.
I blame my mother.
She led me astray.
6.
I worry that one day I will (or have already) reach my quota of words. What then?
7.
There is something about superheroes and secret identities that I want to explore, but I can't pin down what it is yet.
8.
It's so hard for me to go out with people. If I have too long to think about it, I'll back out. If nothing is planned, I'll drift in my own world. It feels unfair to put the responsibility for dragging me out of my cave on other people.
9.
I'm not good at juggling. I can plunge into the deep end of one thing, and rock it. But I have to do just that one thing. Add two, three, I panic and freeze. Do nothing.
10.
I spent time with people and it actually felt good. For the first time in a really long time. As adverse as I am to this whole medication thing, it seems that, for right now anyway, it's what I need.
11.
I'm excited again.
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