1.
I'm writing myself in circles trying to catch his voice.
2.
Four hours sleep and I'm wide awake. So tired and so sore. But wide awake. I just can't get it right. I don't know what I'm doing.
3. [manic episode: 12:30 PM]
The more I think about the therapist lady, the more I think it's all bullshit. It's just trying to get everyone n line. If you wake up at the same time every morning, you'll feel better. That's the key to happiness, kids. 9 to 5, go to bed at a normal hour. Make a routine for your day. My problem is my inability to break routine. I can't even have something different for breakfast without my day being fucked (I tried; I had to have two breakfasts to right the world again). More routines doesn't seem like a good solution. And scheduled worry time? Allowing an hour for all the craziness to run rampant unchecked? If I open the floodgates, I'll never get them closed again. The hatches stay battened down because it's the only way out of the spiral.
Liberation.
Liberation from myself.
Freedom.
His word, stuck in my frontal lobe like a brand.
Red hot.
It works for other people, so it'll work for you. What makes you think you're so special?
Because I am.
Average = normal.
Special: better, greater or otherwise different from what is usual.
I'm not average so not normal. Abnormal = special.
Special has a lot of meanings.
It's all about context.
4.
I've been cutting myself a lot of slack. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but it's what I'm doing.
It's probably not.
5.
I stopped.
And now I'm not moving. No momentum. Just floating. Drifting.
The things I fear have basis in my normality.
6.
It's going to be one of those days.
7.
Dissociation.
I am a twin of myself. A passenger.
There is my body (brain included), and there is me.
A soul?
My brain is an unruly child. For better or worse, we are conjoined forever in one vessel.
8.
I fully believe in a conspiracy of the mental health profession to actually prevent people from getting better.
Evidence: The one thing that does consistently work without crazy side effects I have been told consistently and repeatedly not to do, for reasons that are blatantly untrue.
They could at least make an attempt to use facts.
I conduct my own research.
9.
What do I do with all my lighters?
10.
I do it anyway. I know these people don't have my best interest in mind. They have quotas.
11.
I know my novel is about myself. It took me two years to realise this, and I wonder now if that realisation is what's tripping me up now. Self-conscious.
12.
I build little lighter hoards in my pockets is what I do. Collect the fire.
13.
I am morally opposed to violence. I don't believe it ever does accomplish anything. They say only people who don't know say that. They say in the moment you'll just react. but I am the guy who took 5 punches to the face and didn't hit back. Not because I couldn't, but because I really believe there is never a justification.
I know the only way for there to be no violence, for me to survive, is if everyone is 100% totally on board. Like communism.
I know they're not, but I have my convictions anyway.
Something about change.
I am reading a book by a man who not only thinks the total opposite, but openly ridicules my convictions, so I can learn how to write violence because my novel is violence. My hero is, for all intents and purposes, a serial killer.
14.
I know this is temporary.
I know this will pass.
It's still scary.
15.
The absolute novelty of being able to sit still. It's such a relief you almost want to cry.
[end 2:06 PM]
16.
It's just like when I was a kid. Missing out because I can't get my body to work like the other kids', because I can't keep up. And just like when I was a kid, I push myself beyond what I'm actually capable of because to do otherwise is to accept weakness.
But inevitably, I crash and there's nothing I can do about it.
17.
There's a point right between being fully awake and waiting for sleep when everything is clearest.
Not clear. Chaotic.
Snapshots of scenes and dialogue smashing all out of order but I don't have the energy to chase them down.
Like my brain's last ditch effort to save itself. I can only hope they'll survive 'til morning.
I'm writing myself in circles trying to catch his voice.
2.
Four hours sleep and I'm wide awake. So tired and so sore. But wide awake. I just can't get it right. I don't know what I'm doing.
3. [manic episode: 12:30 PM]
The more I think about the therapist lady, the more I think it's all bullshit. It's just trying to get everyone n line. If you wake up at the same time every morning, you'll feel better. That's the key to happiness, kids. 9 to 5, go to bed at a normal hour. Make a routine for your day. My problem is my inability to break routine. I can't even have something different for breakfast without my day being fucked (I tried; I had to have two breakfasts to right the world again). More routines doesn't seem like a good solution. And scheduled worry time? Allowing an hour for all the craziness to run rampant unchecked? If I open the floodgates, I'll never get them closed again. The hatches stay battened down because it's the only way out of the spiral.
Liberation.
Liberation from myself.
Freedom.
His word, stuck in my frontal lobe like a brand.
Red hot.
It works for other people, so it'll work for you. What makes you think you're so special?
Because I am.
Average = normal.
Special: better, greater or otherwise different from what is usual.
I'm not average so not normal. Abnormal = special.
Special has a lot of meanings.
It's all about context.
4.
I've been cutting myself a lot of slack. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but it's what I'm doing.
It's probably not.
5.
I stopped.
And now I'm not moving. No momentum. Just floating. Drifting.
The things I fear have basis in my normality.
6.
It's going to be one of those days.
7.
Dissociation.
I am a twin of myself. A passenger.
There is my body (brain included), and there is me.
A soul?
My brain is an unruly child. For better or worse, we are conjoined forever in one vessel.
8.
I fully believe in a conspiracy of the mental health profession to actually prevent people from getting better.
Evidence: The one thing that does consistently work without crazy side effects I have been told consistently and repeatedly not to do, for reasons that are blatantly untrue.
They could at least make an attempt to use facts.
I conduct my own research.
9.
What do I do with all my lighters?
10.
I do it anyway. I know these people don't have my best interest in mind. They have quotas.
11.
I know my novel is about myself. It took me two years to realise this, and I wonder now if that realisation is what's tripping me up now. Self-conscious.
12.
I build little lighter hoards in my pockets is what I do. Collect the fire.
13.
I am morally opposed to violence. I don't believe it ever does accomplish anything. They say only people who don't know say that. They say in the moment you'll just react. but I am the guy who took 5 punches to the face and didn't hit back. Not because I couldn't, but because I really believe there is never a justification.
I know the only way for there to be no violence, for me to survive, is if everyone is 100% totally on board. Like communism.
I know they're not, but I have my convictions anyway.
Something about change.
I am reading a book by a man who not only thinks the total opposite, but openly ridicules my convictions, so I can learn how to write violence because my novel is violence. My hero is, for all intents and purposes, a serial killer.
14.
I know this is temporary.
I know this will pass.
It's still scary.
15.
The absolute novelty of being able to sit still. It's such a relief you almost want to cry.
[end 2:06 PM]
16.
It's just like when I was a kid. Missing out because I can't get my body to work like the other kids', because I can't keep up. And just like when I was a kid, I push myself beyond what I'm actually capable of because to do otherwise is to accept weakness.
But inevitably, I crash and there's nothing I can do about it.
17.
There's a point right between being fully awake and waiting for sleep when everything is clearest.
Not clear. Chaotic.
Snapshots of scenes and dialogue smashing all out of order but I don't have the energy to chase them down.
Like my brain's last ditch effort to save itself. I can only hope they'll survive 'til morning.
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