1.
Creating encourages all my bad habits. Sleeping less. Smoking more. Forgetting to go outside.
2.
I want to be brave enough to run into the wild without tripping on all the what-ifs first.
3. Back to square one and the momentous effort required for the most basic things. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep but I'm afraid to stop moving in case I never start up again.
4.
I don't know how to make the words take me from point A to point B.
5.
This is what I should have told the therapist woman:
It's not about confidence. It's about people being unpredictable. I don't know what they're going to do so therefore I can't adequately prepare for the social demands on me.
It's that I forget to keep in regular contact with people. Because I forget about them (sorry, guys. It doesn't mean I don't love you.)
I have to think about so many things when I interact with people.
Maintain eye contact, but not too much.
Ask questions, but not too much.
Show interest, but not too much.
Share, but not too much.
Don't stay too long.
Don't leave too soon.
I can't stop thinking about it because it never just comes to me.
I need a formula for when to speak. When not to speak. How often to talk to someone so they know you like spending time with them, but you aren't suffocating. What their expectations are.
It's so much work. So, so much. And tiring. Some days - a lot of days - I just can't pull together the resources to manage all that thinking and being aware.
It's not about a lack of confidence. It's about not knowing what the rules are.
Creating encourages all my bad habits. Sleeping less. Smoking more. Forgetting to go outside.
2.
I want to be brave enough to run into the wild without tripping on all the what-ifs first.
3. Back to square one and the momentous effort required for the most basic things. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep but I'm afraid to stop moving in case I never start up again.
4.
I don't know how to make the words take me from point A to point B.
5.
This is what I should have told the therapist woman:
It's not about confidence. It's about people being unpredictable. I don't know what they're going to do so therefore I can't adequately prepare for the social demands on me.
It's that I forget to keep in regular contact with people. Because I forget about them (sorry, guys. It doesn't mean I don't love you.)
I have to think about so many things when I interact with people.
Maintain eye contact, but not too much.
Ask questions, but not too much.
Show interest, but not too much.
Share, but not too much.
Don't stay too long.
Don't leave too soon.
I can't stop thinking about it because it never just comes to me.
I need a formula for when to speak. When not to speak. How often to talk to someone so they know you like spending time with them, but you aren't suffocating. What their expectations are.
It's so much work. So, so much. And tiring. Some days - a lot of days - I just can't pull together the resources to manage all that thinking and being aware.
It's not about a lack of confidence. It's about not knowing what the rules are.
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